As parents we (are expected to) face adversity differently than before when (some of us) were young and free and reckless. We are to be prepared for the worst case scenarios while hoping for the best possible outcomes. We are to remain positive and collected and CALM even when life is suffocating and relentlessly cruel. I struggle with this. I have always housed a special kind of rage, a FIRE that is singed into my DNA and as much as I have tried to weather it, shape it, extinguish it… it prevails. It rears its hideous head as I type and it’s debilitating, constant and forthcoming.
I am a proactive, forward-thinking realist. I always have been. So, even when life seems all kinds of sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows I’m contemplating and preparing for the aftermath of the category five hurricane that will inevitably hit my tiny populated city of five. Well, that hurricane is upon us and I’m scrambling to protect resources. What am I to do if our shelter collapses? our food supply diminishes? first responders can’t reach us? I am only one person. I am only so strong. What do I do then? How do I protect my family? I’m struggling with this now. I’m consumed with the what ifs, if only(s), and I EFFING KNEW ITS. I’m feeling mighty helpless and not nearly as prepared as I would want to be. I’m feeling alone and angry. I’m feeling as though I prepared for this natural disaster and some degenerate fucktard stole my food supply, my shelter, and blew up every ounce of positivity he could find. So, what now?
The specifics of my whoas are blurry and riddled with analogies because the specifics aren’t important. It’s the universal situation I find myself in. I’m at a pseudo-crossroads and I’m struggling with it because I had zero control over it. I had no hand in it. But I am severely affected by it and what happens next is beyond my control. The rage inside me wants to explode. I want to be free to feel all the feelings of hurt, anger and WHAT THE EFF WERE YOU THINKING that I rightfully deserve to, but if I do that… how does it help? How will it rectify the situation? I can’t come up with an answer to that question that makes sense so I’m swallowing my feelings for the greater good and I’m pushing forward with apathetic resentment for other’s poor choices and attempting to pretend it’s not eating me alive. I’m not myself, but I am attempting to be the parent that thrives in adversity. The parent that never lets the adult issues bleed into the children’s innocence.
What the future holds, I’m not sure, but you better believe this angry mama will always have my children at the forefront of my mind and hoping for the best possible outcome while preparing for the worst.
famousslimandmighty 